Thursday, February 2, 2012

Month of Solitude


Christmas comes and then goes just as fast, but the feelings linger like herpes. Okay so, I would love nothing more than to start the new year with; Hey, I was cracking up on the playground and thought of this or maybe, shooting off new ways of tricking my kids into eating non GMO foods. Life has been good but, the winter dregs have certainly taken over. I was thinking this morning about how, in the summer I can mange to get twice as much done during the day and still take a date out on the town. Leading up to Christmas, I was still in the game. Post Christmas, it's short days and crowded agendas. It's time to welcome spring. Dating has taken a turn to far a few between. It's due to feeling like time is needed  with the kids now, more than ever.

Confessions, confessions... I dated a girl last summer who wasn't right for me or actually, I wasn't right for her. I still think of her daily and a couple weeks ago... We went out again:) this time it was different, we were friends and lips never stopped moving. Best date we ever had, maybe because, neither us expected anything. Even though we both have a little crazy for each other. The only lady I'm totally drawn to, but just as happy to just be friends with. It might be real, ouch.....or worse, not as real as I'd like it to be.

Here is where the confessions come in to play. As much as I liked her, I knew problems with Ex were on the horizon. I have to learn how to deal with Holidays and Visits before opening completely to anyone. I can trick myself into being happy for while, but at some point, work is going to get busy and the first thing I blow off is the girl I like. It's a sickness, the drive of my depression, the weight that holds me in bed. It's sad, I still love her. Wait, not sad but, pathetic and the reason for rewriting the divorce papers. It was to pave my way in to the future. She agreed to sign the last set before I went for full custody but, I can't give her that. Too much time and love invested into these kids to worry about the courts if something happens to me.

Why did I come to this:
Life.... My position of Towniedad always takes the place of number one. I always say " wait this is the last holiday that  I cater to my previous self." It ends shittt and then when does the cycle end? Answer is, now. The last month of absence from writing has been, re-evaluating my presences of being me and hoping to move forward. I've tried dating as a cure and it doesn't work. I've tried being alone and it seems to work best but, is very lonely. What do you do? What do I do? My children keep me very happy and occupied but, somehow, it's not enough to fill the void. Conversations about the future of life are missing, maybe about the small stuff that you can't explain to small person. My personal answer is to date and befriend ladies. What if one knocks my socks off???? maybe go with it? I only hope I have the strength.

Balance beaming life,,,, is a challenge and I hope I'm approaching it right. Dating 'Maybe on hold," Parenting, Work, family, home, community and being a part of what? Life....

My oldest son had a project this week do a project at home, it's a basic something that resembles the number 100. Tomorrow is his hundredth day of school. I printed and cut out a hundred pictures of the last 150 days or 100 days of school. Looking through the pictures, they really haven't had a mother figure but, they have been smiling on most occasions. That makes me happy, if I can calm my libido down to really not worry about the company, maybe just maybe I can start moving on; Improving, cultivating, honing, becoming one or whole as a family or self. it's not just a goal but a necessity. For now wish me luck

Side note... One of the next couple of posts will be about why I really have a hard time coupling:(
Spoiler Alert!!!!! Cheaters drive me crazy, As a person trying to date, girls who don't trust or look for problems, kill relationships. I'm sure it goes both ways.