Saturday, February 4, 2012

The B side; you're only kidding yourself

As people get to know my story, I've become a personal ear or an emotional backboard. There are two sides to this story. Side A: The friend whom I relate to, going through one of the many phases of dealing with a breaking down relationship. The B side: This is where a cheater explains to me why their situation is okay. I like both conversations for different reasons. I used to dream about telling these people how I feel and now I do:)

Like a few really good songs, I'm starting with 

The B side:

Oh my god, this side kicks the crap out of me. I sadly almost always end up feeling sorry for these people. They're usually in the earlier phases of lying to themselves and to anyone who'll listen. Having been on the wrong side of this, I think it's important to be completely honest with these people. I politely nod and listen till they shut their trap and listen again when they deny everything I have to say to them. If there is one truth to people who stray, it's that their affairs aren't unique but, they think they are. These people feel trapped, bored and unappreciated. They have an "I" in their team, no heroes to look up to, maybe got married for the wrong reasons. Well, you get it, personally, I don't know why they would want to tell me about their extra-marital escapades, but they do.

I'm a person who is honest about my past and for that, some may feel guilty and need to explain why they do it. I'd tell you about the "friend" who felt the need to contact my EX, try and probably did sleep with her. Something I wasn't ready for. Why did I need to know about it, if you're a shitty person and feel guilty, sit a while and dwell on it. Two years out and somethings still hurt, she can be with whoever at this point but, the friend crossed the line and she in turn also let it happen. Another friend's wife has told me she only flirts and hangs on guys in bars to feel young and drink for free. Sounds shitty, good for you. She doesn't realize enough but, is it okay? At any point, this could go south. Next thing you know she might be draining a bank account having "girls'" weekends in the city. My position on this is simple, if you're unhappy, find out why. You'll ultimately hurt yourself more in the end by staying rather than just breaking it off the relationship. Breaking up is hard but taking someone down with your ship is just mean.

The favorite here is having had someone tell me that I don't understand the emotional connection between them and the married person they're with. I laughed and say something like; "what ever you think, you will be the one to get hurt in the end and you're the one who doesn't understand the connection." A cheater doesn't want to hurt the person they're committed to and worse hate getting caught. They've built up an imaginary world, reconnected with old friends who are also single and then only listen to the advice that justifies their actions. As horrible as it sounds the situation only just sucks unless kids are involved. When this false universe collapses, everyone gets hurt. When a cheater is in a situation where they might be able to explain what they are doing, watch out. Lordy, you are about to hear a shit storm of excuses that sound like justifications. This is survival mode and they want to be able to sleep not only with the person they a screwing around with but, just be able to sleep. It's true, I don't understand the connection between two other people but, I understand if cheating is involved the "connection" is based on a lie.

This was little harder to write than I thought it be.

Side A. my point of view is harsh:)

I'm removed from my own past and I'm not really connecting with those emotions of the B side. I guess, I wanted to go with side A. Maybe from a point of a person who has watched as their marriage fell apart at the seems, brushed off the ruble and adjusted to a new life. You can't fix a broken person, they have to fix themselves.

I went to a party last month and had a very long conversation with a good friend, who is trying to somehow save his marriage. I think this story is cut and dry. His wife has been having an affair for almost a year and he wants her to stop. He feels that just because they have a child together, he should try everything possible to save the marriage. This is no way to live and that poor little girl is going to be the who ends up suffering. They have a crap load of equity and my advice was to split it and move on. Divorce isn't what it used to be and innocent men can actually stand up for themselves. I do understand that I have a very unique situation with having sole custody but, kids are fragile when it comes to a stressful home. Your problems shouldn't have to be theirs. If your partner knows that you know about the affair and isn't trying to fix anything, it is time to grow a pair and move on. See side B for reference or, some people suck but, you can find someone who doesn't, after you fix yourself.

Two years later,  I watch my kids play, smile, laugh and just have fun. I can honestly say, "they'll get through it too." They still love their mother, "she's welcome for that." The point is they're healthy; physically, mentally and emotionally. It was hard work but, well worth the effort and sometimes I wonder if they would be this happy if their mother was still around. My recollections is that everyone always had to walk on eggshells when she was home and now the kids and I can be kids. Loud and messy, take us or leave us. How does the saying go? Time heals all wounds, there is plenty of truth to that in my case and can be in anyone's case. Be true to yourself and more importantly, your family. It may take quite a bit of therapy and self control but, how you deal with life is how your children learn how to deal with life. Also don't worry, the people who have treated you wrong in the past, they will be miserable long after you have healed and moved on.

Disclaimer: my kids wake up to a clean house every morning and I'm pretty sure they think we have magical elves as house keepers.

Basically in a nutshell; Don't be shitty